The power of simple things – nurture, hot chocolate and listening without an agenda

Even when people are dealing with big things, we’re really aware that it’s often the little things that matter. Cathy Stancer interviewed Pathfinder workers, Rebecca and Clare, to find out about the relationship that they are building with Archie and his family, and some of the little things that have helped.

Archie was referred to the Pathfinder by Barnardo’s, who were working with his younger sibling. At 12, he was too old for their service.

Archie had been on roll but not attending his school since October 2022.

The Pathfinder team was originally involved to support the process of getting Archie an EHCP. Their sense was that the school wanted Archie off roll. His EHCP application described him as having mixed anxiety, depressive disorder, low mood, suicidal ideation, emotional dysregulation and possible ASD.

The Pathfinder workers (Rebecca and Clare) initially found it hard to get to see Archie’s mum. She was suspicious of services and cancelled several appointments. They eventually met Archie and his mum together at home when they visited with the Barnardo’s worker.

They found out that Archie had tried to end his life by cutting his wrists two days earlier. There had been no follow up from other services about this after he was released from A&E. He was obviously distressed, sitting on the floor next to his mum, a ‘huddled little ball’. His mum told them about the challenges they had faced as a family – severe domestic abuse from Archie’s dad, which had resulted in them having to move and her own post-natal depression.

Rebecca and Clare kept things very informal – they just chatted, and had a laugh and a joke. They found some common ground in Archie’s interest in graffiti art and felt the barriers coming down a little. Archie said he felt different to other children, and that he had no friends. He was interested in Clare’s experience of being different too, and how she enjoyed confounding people’s expectations of her. This broke the ice.

Archie started telling them about himself and showing them his artwork. He explained that he couldn’t sleep at night because he slept in the daytime. Rebecca and Claire asked him to try something different that night – as he was awake for their visit, they suggested he stay awake and try to sleep at bedtime that night. They suggested some strategies that might help.

Archie confided in them that he had a voice in his head saying horrible things and swearing at him ‘you’re worthless’ etc. Rebecca and Clare ascertained that this wasn’t a voice outside his head (a hallucination). They suggested some coping strategies for managing and challenging the voice and said lots of lovely things to Archie about how amazing and awesome he was. They later heard him in the kitchen talking to the voice, “I am not worthless, I am not listening to you anymore”.

They also talked to Archie about school and what was getting in the way of him doing the work that was set for him. They found out that Archie was scared of the laptop camera and felt it was watching him. They suggested putting a sticker over the camera.

Some days later Archie’s mum spoke to them to say Archie was feeling much better, sleeping through the night and helping out in the house. The voice had gone and he had been doing homework.

Archie and his mum have been into the Pathfinder office several times now. Rebecca made him a certificate to congratulate him on his progress (as well as a hot chocolate). She and Claire bought him a portfolio to put his artwork into and he did several designs for the Pathfinder logo which are up around the office. He said to Clare and Rebecca that he was worried that when he started school he wouldn’t be able to see them anymore. They reassured him this was not the case.

Archie’s mum joined in the Pathfinder parents’ coffee morning on a Tuesday and Archie said it was lovely to see his mum having a coffee with some other mums.

He looks like the weight of the world has lifted from his shoulders. This work to build the relationship with Archie and his mum was the foundation for the right special schools being identified, Archie starting to engage and play with other children online, join a basketball group and engage in music therapy.

Rebecca and Clare’s practice was simple but powerful:

• Showing they genuinely cared and wouldn’t be going anywhere
• Listening and showing interest in Archie’s experience and his interests
• Sharing their own experiences
• Simple strategies around sleep, negative self-talk and homework
• Lots of unconditional positive regard

It was grounded in their expertise in SEN, safeguarding and mental health, which enabled them to judge how to respond to Archie and his mum. Importantly it was also grounded in their values, warmth and relational capabilities.